For the football fan and the fantasy junkie (both of which, I am), you can’t beat NFL.com’s live scoreboard. It updates automatically with every play and live statistics. Sometimes, the web tells me what play is about to happen in the game I’m watching. Yes, I love NFL.com.
Well, at least I did until last weekend.
Imagine my jubilation at seeing this on my screen with :33 to go in the Eagles/Buccaneers game:
"TOUCHDOWN! D. McNabb to B. Westbrook for 52 Yards."
Sweet! Not only did the Eagles rally from 17 down to take the lead, but Westbrook is my fantasy go-to guy. All is well in Ant-Land.
And then, after a kickoff return, a few plays, and a couple of Bucs timeouts, the following note flashes up:
"M. Bryant 62-Yard Field Goal is GOOD!"
Wait, what did that say? No way. There’s no way. NO EFFIN’ WAY! YOU"VE GOT TO BE EFFIN’ KIDDING ME!!! GET THE EFF OUTTA HERE!!!
Sure enough, the final score read Tampa Bay 23, Philadelphia 21.
I hate NFL.com.
I also hate Ronde Barber, and I’d personally like to thank NBC for showing a replay of that little bastard’s TD return in the 2002 NFC Championship game, which almost landed me on a therapist’s couch.
I hate NBC (except, of course, for the Notre Dame broadcasts).
I also turned down a Ron Mexico-Hines Ward for Tom Brady-Reggie Williams trade, thinking Pittsburgh at Atlanta was not a strong match-up for Mex or Ward. Plus, Jacksonville was in Houston, so I was counting on big things from Williams. What happens? Mexico throws it all over the lot, chucks 4 touchdowns, and Ward goes for 180 yards and three TD’s in a 41-38 shootout. Meanwhile, Williams had zero catches, one end around for 8 yards and a grand total of 0.8 fantasy points.
I hate fantasy football, so much so that I pulled a Bob Clarke and temporarily resigned due to lost interest, handing control of "Bonzi’s Pecans" to an interim GM, who hopefully will have better luck than I have had.
Since I’m on a roll, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I mean, I love that they are in disarray, but I wish they’d stick with that statue of Drew Bled-slow at quarterback, since TOFU favors Tony Romo. I really hate TOFU.
And I really like the Carolina Panthers this week.
Week 7 featured a statistical anomaly, as my record against the spread (7-5-1) was actually better than my straight up score (5-8). Further proof that nothing really went right last week. 100 games into the 2006-07 season, the records are about where you’d expect them to be (63-37 straight up, 53-41-6 by the books). 156 picks to go, starting now.
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
The Match-up: Jacksonville (+7.0) @ Philadelphia
The Skinny: There are no moral victories in the NFL. Nobody is going to hand the 4-3 Eagles a playoff spot because their three losses are by a combined 11 points and all three came on the last play of the game. They’re going to have to earn their way in, starting right now.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: Atlanta (+3.5) @ Cincinnati
The Skinny: Chad Johnson wants to be known as "Ocho Cinco," and he guaranteed two TD’s against DeAngelo Hall this week. You know what? I believe him. No way Mexico throws it around like he did last week.
Straight Up: Cincinnati
Against the Spread: Cincinnati
The Match-up: Arizona (+4.5) @ Green Bay
The Skinny: I knew I would second-guess myself after sticking with Arizona in Oakland last week. That choke-job against the Bears is still with them.
Straight Up: Green Bay
Against the Spread: Green Bay
The Match-up: Houston (+3.0) @ Tennessee
The Skinny: Houston-native Vince Young shows his home-town team what they could have had. Well, that or the Texans actually show up like they did against the Jags last week.
Straight Up: Tennessee
Against the Spread: Tennessee
The Match-up: Seattle (+6.0) @ Kansas City
The Skinny: It takes a lot for me to actually bet on Damon Huard. The combination of Seneca Wallace and Maurice Morris leading Seattle’s offense does the trick.
Straight Up: Kansas City
Against the Spread: Kansas City
The Match-up: Baltimore (+2.0) @ New Orleans
The Skinny: On the recommendation of my new interim GM, I traded for Joe Horn this week. By default, I have to pick the Saints (which I was going to do anyway).
Straight Up: New Orleans
Against the Spread: New Orleans
The Match-up: Tampa Bay (+9.0) @ New York Giants
The Skinny: After their 1-2 start, the Giants have rallied to three straight wins, making me look smart, since I called it. I’m riding this wave until the Giants play the Eagles again. And Tiki, please take Ronde with you when you ride off into the sunset in January.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
The Match-up: San Francisco (+16.0) @ Chicago
The Skinny: I’m not ready to crown the Bears yet, but at 6-0, they are what we thought they were – a pretty good football team. They will feel the loss of Mike Brown, however.
Straight Up: Chicago
Against the Spread: San Francisco
The Match-up: St. Louis (+10.0) @ San Diego
The Skinny: Why are people so up in arms about the fact that Shawne Merriman will play until his suspension appeal is heard? Do the words "innocent until proven guilty" mean anything? The Merriman situation could pose a slight distraction this week, so I’d look for Bulger and the Rams to hang around.
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: St. Louis
The Match-up: New York Jets (+2.0) @ Cleveland
The Skinny: OK, I know I picked the Browns as my sleeper this year, but the Jets have played pretty well of late. I’m not sure how Cleveland is favored, but they are. Not by me, though.
Straight Up: New York Jets
Against the Spread: New York Jets
The Match-up: Indianapolis (+3.0) @ Denver
The Skinny: Remember the last time the Colts were an underdog? Me neither. Perhaps the better question is, which quarterback is more reliable in a big game? Neither. That said, I like Denver's defense and the home field advantage of Mile High.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Denver
The Match-up: Pittsburgh (-9.0) @ Oakland
The Skinny: Why is Bill Cowher in such a rush to get Ben Roethlisberger back on the field this week against the Raiders? Big Ben picked up his second Lindros since June, and he has struggled in returning from previous injuries. Charlie Batch is 3-0 as a starter in Pittsburgh, and should get the call.
Straight Up: Pittsburgh
Against the Spread: Oakland
The Match-up: Dallas (+5.5) @ Carolina
The Skinny: Tony Romo, meet Julius Peppers. TOFU, meet Carolina’s Steve Smith, the best receiver in the NFL. What kind of odds do you think I can get on Bill Parcells being the first coach to quit or be fired at the end of this season?
Straight Up: Carolina
Against the Spread: Carolina
Monday, October 30th, 2006
The Match-up: New England (-2.0) @ Minnesota
The Skinny: Impressive as the Vikings looked in Seattle last week, it’s still Belichick and Brady on Monday night, and the Patriots continue to fly below the radar.
Straight Up: New England
Against the Spread: New England
Bye Week: Buffalo, Detroit, Miami, Washington
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Week 7 Picks
My motto to describe last week: "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell."
In other words, don’t ask me why the Eagles couldn’t get off the field on third down in the fourth quarter. Don’t ask me what got into TOFU and his three touchdowns. Don’t ask me why I can’t catch a break with my Fantasy Football team.
And for the love of God, don’t ask me what happened to the Cardinals on Monday night. I’ve watched a lot of football in my life, and I can’t recall a game where the winning team’s quarterback turned the football over six times and had a QB rating of 10.7. No way the Bears should have won that game. The best by-product of that game was Dennis Green’s press conference, which may have been the best outburst since Jim Mora’s "Playoffs?" rant.
But you can ask me why Rams coach Scott Linehan is crying about the NFL’s ten-second run-off rule on penalties. In case you missed it, the Seahawks got flagged for what Linehan thought was a false start with four seconds to go in the game with the Rams up 28-27. Turns out the Seahawks were called for an illegal formation, which does not include the run-off. Seattle’s Kris Brown nails a 54-yard field goal and the ‘Hawks win 30-28. Linehan said that the NFL needs to change the rule. Why? BECAUSE HE LOST! If the shoe was on the other foot, you think Linehan would be complaining about that rule?
If I sound a little bitter about last week, you’re right. I won’t tell you it’s because the Birds lost, the Cowgirls won, and I went 7-6 and 6-7. Just don’t ask me about it.
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
The Match-up: San Diego (-5.0) @ Kansas City
The Skinny: So much for that improved Kansas City defense. When last we saw them, the Chiefs were busy giving up 45 points to the struggling Steelers. You know who’s not struggling? The Chargers, who just got through routing the Niners behind LaDanian Tomlinson. Did I mention Kansas City’s defense is allowing 129 yards per game on the ground?
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
The Match-up: Green Bay (+5.0) @ Miami
The Skinny: Brett Favre vs. Joey Harrington? Advantage Favre. Miami’s defense vs. Green Bay’s defense? Advantage Miami. Two wins combined for these teams? Advantage nobody.
Straight Up: Miami
Against the Spread: Green Bay
The Match-up: Detroit (+3.5) @ New York Jets
The Skinny: The Jets held off a furious rally from the Dolphins last week (no, seriously) and improved to 3-3. Probably no such rally coming from the Lions.
Straight Up: New York Jets
Against the Spread: New York Jets
The Match-up: Pittsburgh (-2.5) @ Atlanta
The Skinny: The Steelers got back on track a week ago, and the Falcons took one on the chin at the hands of the New York Giants. The Steelers run defense should be able to contain Ron Mexico, meaning he’ll have to throw the ball for the Falcons to have a chance.
Straight Up: Pittsburgh
Against the Spread: Pittsburgh
The Match-up: Philadelphia (-5.0) @ Tampa Bay
The Skinny: The Eagles need a big rebound, especially on defense, after failing to show up in last week’s fourth quarter. The 1-4 Bucs and Bruce Gradkowski should oblige.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: New England (-5.5) @ Buffalo
The Skinny: Funny how nobody is talking about the Patriots when discussing the league’s elite. They’re certainly a quiet 4-1. Make that 5-1.
Straight Up: New England
Against the Spread: New England
The Match-up: Jacksonville (-9.5) @ Houston
The Skinny: While I do like the Jaguars to win, I’m not so sure the Texans won’t give them a game. From a greed perspective, I’m hoping for big things from Maurice Jones-Drew, Reggie Williams, and Josh Scobey.
Straight Up: Jacksonville
Against the Spread: Houston
The Match-up: Carolina (+3.0) @ Cincinnati
The Skinny: There’s a reason the odds makers are smarter than me. Carolina has won four straight since Steve Smith returned to the line up, and the Bengals don’t have a corner that can stay on the field with him. I know the game is in Cincinnati, but I don’t think Paul Brown Stadium is that big an advantage.
Straight Up: Carolina
Against the Spread: Carolina
The Match-up: Denver (-4.5) @ Cleveland
The Skinny: The only team in the league with fewer points scored than the Broncos? Oakland. And while the Broncos don’t give up a whole lot, they also don’t seem to blow teams out. Even teams like Cleveland.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Cleveland
The Match-up: Arizona (-3.0) @ Oakland
The Skinny: I almost, almost, almost took the Raiders to win their first game of the year. That’s how devastating I think the Cardinals choke job could be. I just couldn’t bring myself to pick the Raiders. But don’t be surprised…
Straight Up: Arizona
Against the Spread: Arizona
The Match-up: Minnesota (+6.5) @ Seattle
The Skinny: Last week’s win in St. Louis is proof that the Seahawks can win without Shaun Alexander. They’ll have to do it again this week, as Alexander is still out.
Straight Up: Seattle
Against the Spread: Seattle
The Match-up: Washington (+9.0) @ Indianapolis
The Skinny: Let’s see. The Colts can’t stop the run, and that’s what Clinton Portis and Washington do best. Looks like Peyton Manning will need some more fourth quarter heroics to keep the Colts undefeated.
Straight Up: Indianapolis
Against the Spread: Washington
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
The Match-up: New York Giants (+3.5) @ Dallas
The Skinny: From the self-promotion department, I told you a week ago the Giants were better than their record. Another tough test for the G-Men in the Toilet.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
Bye Week: Baltimore, Chicago, Kansas City, New Orleans, San Francisco, St. Louis
In other words, don’t ask me why the Eagles couldn’t get off the field on third down in the fourth quarter. Don’t ask me what got into TOFU and his three touchdowns. Don’t ask me why I can’t catch a break with my Fantasy Football team.
And for the love of God, don’t ask me what happened to the Cardinals on Monday night. I’ve watched a lot of football in my life, and I can’t recall a game where the winning team’s quarterback turned the football over six times and had a QB rating of 10.7. No way the Bears should have won that game. The best by-product of that game was Dennis Green’s press conference, which may have been the best outburst since Jim Mora’s "Playoffs?" rant.
But you can ask me why Rams coach Scott Linehan is crying about the NFL’s ten-second run-off rule on penalties. In case you missed it, the Seahawks got flagged for what Linehan thought was a false start with four seconds to go in the game with the Rams up 28-27. Turns out the Seahawks were called for an illegal formation, which does not include the run-off. Seattle’s Kris Brown nails a 54-yard field goal and the ‘Hawks win 30-28. Linehan said that the NFL needs to change the rule. Why? BECAUSE HE LOST! If the shoe was on the other foot, you think Linehan would be complaining about that rule?
If I sound a little bitter about last week, you’re right. I won’t tell you it’s because the Birds lost, the Cowgirls won, and I went 7-6 and 6-7. Just don’t ask me about it.
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
The Match-up: San Diego (-5.0) @ Kansas City
The Skinny: So much for that improved Kansas City defense. When last we saw them, the Chiefs were busy giving up 45 points to the struggling Steelers. You know who’s not struggling? The Chargers, who just got through routing the Niners behind LaDanian Tomlinson. Did I mention Kansas City’s defense is allowing 129 yards per game on the ground?
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
The Match-up: Green Bay (+5.0) @ Miami
The Skinny: Brett Favre vs. Joey Harrington? Advantage Favre. Miami’s defense vs. Green Bay’s defense? Advantage Miami. Two wins combined for these teams? Advantage nobody.
Straight Up: Miami
Against the Spread: Green Bay
The Match-up: Detroit (+3.5) @ New York Jets
The Skinny: The Jets held off a furious rally from the Dolphins last week (no, seriously) and improved to 3-3. Probably no such rally coming from the Lions.
Straight Up: New York Jets
Against the Spread: New York Jets
The Match-up: Pittsburgh (-2.5) @ Atlanta
The Skinny: The Steelers got back on track a week ago, and the Falcons took one on the chin at the hands of the New York Giants. The Steelers run defense should be able to contain Ron Mexico, meaning he’ll have to throw the ball for the Falcons to have a chance.
Straight Up: Pittsburgh
Against the Spread: Pittsburgh
The Match-up: Philadelphia (-5.0) @ Tampa Bay
The Skinny: The Eagles need a big rebound, especially on defense, after failing to show up in last week’s fourth quarter. The 1-4 Bucs and Bruce Gradkowski should oblige.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: New England (-5.5) @ Buffalo
The Skinny: Funny how nobody is talking about the Patriots when discussing the league’s elite. They’re certainly a quiet 4-1. Make that 5-1.
Straight Up: New England
Against the Spread: New England
The Match-up: Jacksonville (-9.5) @ Houston
The Skinny: While I do like the Jaguars to win, I’m not so sure the Texans won’t give them a game. From a greed perspective, I’m hoping for big things from Maurice Jones-Drew, Reggie Williams, and Josh Scobey.
Straight Up: Jacksonville
Against the Spread: Houston
The Match-up: Carolina (+3.0) @ Cincinnati
The Skinny: There’s a reason the odds makers are smarter than me. Carolina has won four straight since Steve Smith returned to the line up, and the Bengals don’t have a corner that can stay on the field with him. I know the game is in Cincinnati, but I don’t think Paul Brown Stadium is that big an advantage.
Straight Up: Carolina
Against the Spread: Carolina
The Match-up: Denver (-4.5) @ Cleveland
The Skinny: The only team in the league with fewer points scored than the Broncos? Oakland. And while the Broncos don’t give up a whole lot, they also don’t seem to blow teams out. Even teams like Cleveland.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Cleveland
The Match-up: Arizona (-3.0) @ Oakland
The Skinny: I almost, almost, almost took the Raiders to win their first game of the year. That’s how devastating I think the Cardinals choke job could be. I just couldn’t bring myself to pick the Raiders. But don’t be surprised…
Straight Up: Arizona
Against the Spread: Arizona
The Match-up: Minnesota (+6.5) @ Seattle
The Skinny: Last week’s win in St. Louis is proof that the Seahawks can win without Shaun Alexander. They’ll have to do it again this week, as Alexander is still out.
Straight Up: Seattle
Against the Spread: Seattle
The Match-up: Washington (+9.0) @ Indianapolis
The Skinny: Let’s see. The Colts can’t stop the run, and that’s what Clinton Portis and Washington do best. Looks like Peyton Manning will need some more fourth quarter heroics to keep the Colts undefeated.
Straight Up: Indianapolis
Against the Spread: Washington
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
The Match-up: New York Giants (+3.5) @ Dallas
The Skinny: From the self-promotion department, I told you a week ago the Giants were better than their record. Another tough test for the G-Men in the Toilet.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
Bye Week: Baltimore, Chicago, Kansas City, New Orleans, San Francisco, St. Louis
Thursday, October 12, 2006
The Week 6 Picks
Those rumblings you hear coming from Irving, Texas? That’s TOFU about to reach his boiling point. Still steaming after last week’s embarrassing return to Philadelphia (hee hee), TOFU has done everything short of undermining Bill Parcells’ authority and calling Drew Bledsoe gay. This week’s tirade included calling for the ball more (even though 13 of Bledsoe’s pass attempts were directed at TOFU, only three went for receptions) and wondering why he was signed if he was going to be a decoy (then why don’t you go away, you piece of crap?). Can’t see why nobody likes this guy. In fact, TOFU is so hated that I had people coming up to me in the office and at a local shopping establishment as I proudly donned my Donovan McNabb jersey telling me how much they loved seeing him stomping around on the sideline like a third grader in time out. To be honest, it warms my heart.
Now, I don’t want this column to be all about TOFU, but I did want to make one more point - so far this season, the following wide receivers have more touchdowns than TOFU (and to further illustrate my point, I am purposely omitting household names like Torry Holt and Randy Moss, who would also qualify):
Reggie Williams, JAX (4)
Greg Jennings, GB (3)
Marques Colston, NO (3)
Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (3)
Daniel Wilcox, BAL (2)
Rashied Davis, CHI (2)
John Gilmore, CHI (2)
Mike Furrey, DET (2)
Owen Daniels, HOU (2)
Bryan Fletcher, IND (2)
Chris Baker, NYJ (2)
Malcom Floyd, SD (2)
Arnaz Battle, SF (2)
And, for the record, there are four Eagles with more TD grabs than "The O.D.:"
Reggie Brown (3)
Greg Lewis (2)
Donte’ Stallworth (2)
Brian Westbrook (2)
Yes, last week was almost perfect, and not just the Eagles-Cowboys result. This guy almost recorded an unblemished week, posting marks of 13-1 straight up (losing only the Kansas City-Arizona game) and 10-1-2 against the spread. After such a great week, I’m hoping I’m not set up for a let down, and yes, I’m drawing a parallel to the Eagles. Read on, boys and girls.
Sunday, October 15th 2006
The Match-up: Cincinnati (-5.5) @ Tampa Bay
The Skinny: All jokes aside, Tampa’s Bruce Gradkowski actually looked alright last week, and the Bucs almost pulled off the upset in New Orleans. Cincinnati’s run defense, or the lack thereof, should allow Cadillac Williams and Tampa to hang around. But the Bengals have the weapons to exploit the Tampa D.
Straight Up: Cincinnati
Against the Spread: Tampa Bay
The Match-up: New York Giants (+3.0) @ Atlanta
The Skinny: The philosophy on how to beat Atlanta holds true - keep Ron Mexico in the pocket and make him beat you with his arm. The Giants have the linemen to do that. And, the G-Men are 2-2 with losses to undefeated Indianapolis and 3-1 Seattle and a win over 4-1 Philly. In other words, they’re better than you think.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
The Match-up: Tennessee (+10.5) @ Washington
The Skinny: When the Titans schedule came out, no doubt they circled last week’s game with division-rival Indianapolis. That was their Super Bowl. On the heels of that heartbreaking loss, the Redskins will blow them out.
Straight Up: Washington
Against the Spread: Washington
The Match-up: Houston (+13.0) @ Dallas
The Skinny: Would you believe that David Carr is the NFL’s top rated passer? Me neither.
Straight Up: Houston
Against the Spread: Houston
The Match-up: Carolina (+3.0) @ Baltimore
The Skinny: This game should give some indication as to whether or not the Panthers have turned the corner, and whether or not the Ravens have fallen off. My guess? Yes, and no.
Straight Up: Baltimore
Against the Spread: Baltimore
The Match-up: Buffalo (-1.0) @ Detroit
The Skinny: Based on Buffalo’s performance a week ago in Chicago, I almost took the Lions. But then I realized...they’re the Lions.
Straight Up: Buffalo
Against the Spread: Buffalo
The Match-up: Seattle (-3.0) @ St. Louis
The Skinny: People might be writing off the Seahawks with Shaun Alexander on the shelf. But they’ve still got Matt Hasselbeck, a bevy of talented receivers, and an above average defense. Loosely translated, Seattle should get by St. Louis.
Straight Up: Seattle
Against the Spread: Seattle
The Match-up: Philadelphia (-3.0) @ New Orleans
The Skinny: Tall order for the Eagles in the Big Easy this week. In Andy Reid’s tenure, the Eagles are 11-4 against the Cowboys and 8-6 the following week. And the atmosphere for Saints home games is outstanding. Still, the Eagles will make a big statement on Sunday.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: Miami (+2.5) @ New York Jets
The Skinny: They call this the "Squish the Fish" game in New York, and I think that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
Straight Up: New York Jets
Against the Spread: New York Jets
The Match-up: Kansas City (+7.0) @ Pittsburgh
The Skinny: Bizarre sequence for Kansas City - lose your starting quarterback, rally around Damon Huard (can’t believe I just wrote that), get fat on the NFC West (wins over San Francisco 41-0 and Arizona 23-20), seven point underdog to 1-3 Pittsburgh at Heinz Field. Sounds about right.
Straight Up: Pittsburgh
Against the Spread: Pittsburgh
The Match-up: San Diego (-10.0) @ San Francisco
The Skinny: Turns out this Philip Rivers kid isn’t too bad. Good things seem to happen when Marty Schottenheimer lets him throw the ball.
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
The Match-up: Oakland (+15.0) @ Denver
The Skinny: I’ve got a funny feeling about this game. Not a feeling like the Raiders will steal a win or anything, but I could see them keeping it close, too close for Denver’s liking.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Oakland
Monday, October 16th 2006
The Match-up: Chicago (-10.5) @ Arizona
The Skinny: Another week, another cupcake for the Bears. You want an impressive stat? In four of their five games, the Bears have outscored their opposition by 117 points (137-20), an average margin of victory of better than 29 points per game. Wow.
Straight Up: Chicago
Against the Spread: Chicago
Bye Week: Cleveland, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Minnesota, New England
Now, I don’t want this column to be all about TOFU, but I did want to make one more point - so far this season, the following wide receivers have more touchdowns than TOFU (and to further illustrate my point, I am purposely omitting household names like Torry Holt and Randy Moss, who would also qualify):
Reggie Williams, JAX (4)
Greg Jennings, GB (3)
Marques Colston, NO (3)
Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (3)
Daniel Wilcox, BAL (2)
Rashied Davis, CHI (2)
John Gilmore, CHI (2)
Mike Furrey, DET (2)
Owen Daniels, HOU (2)
Bryan Fletcher, IND (2)
Chris Baker, NYJ (2)
Malcom Floyd, SD (2)
Arnaz Battle, SF (2)
And, for the record, there are four Eagles with more TD grabs than "The O.D.:"
Reggie Brown (3)
Greg Lewis (2)
Donte’ Stallworth (2)
Brian Westbrook (2)
Yes, last week was almost perfect, and not just the Eagles-Cowboys result. This guy almost recorded an unblemished week, posting marks of 13-1 straight up (losing only the Kansas City-Arizona game) and 10-1-2 against the spread. After such a great week, I’m hoping I’m not set up for a let down, and yes, I’m drawing a parallel to the Eagles. Read on, boys and girls.
Sunday, October 15th 2006
The Match-up: Cincinnati (-5.5) @ Tampa Bay
The Skinny: All jokes aside, Tampa’s Bruce Gradkowski actually looked alright last week, and the Bucs almost pulled off the upset in New Orleans. Cincinnati’s run defense, or the lack thereof, should allow Cadillac Williams and Tampa to hang around. But the Bengals have the weapons to exploit the Tampa D.
Straight Up: Cincinnati
Against the Spread: Tampa Bay
The Match-up: New York Giants (+3.0) @ Atlanta
The Skinny: The philosophy on how to beat Atlanta holds true - keep Ron Mexico in the pocket and make him beat you with his arm. The Giants have the linemen to do that. And, the G-Men are 2-2 with losses to undefeated Indianapolis and 3-1 Seattle and a win over 4-1 Philly. In other words, they’re better than you think.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
The Match-up: Tennessee (+10.5) @ Washington
The Skinny: When the Titans schedule came out, no doubt they circled last week’s game with division-rival Indianapolis. That was their Super Bowl. On the heels of that heartbreaking loss, the Redskins will blow them out.
Straight Up: Washington
Against the Spread: Washington
The Match-up: Houston (+13.0) @ Dallas
The Skinny: Would you believe that David Carr is the NFL’s top rated passer? Me neither.
Straight Up: Houston
Against the Spread: Houston
The Match-up: Carolina (+3.0) @ Baltimore
The Skinny: This game should give some indication as to whether or not the Panthers have turned the corner, and whether or not the Ravens have fallen off. My guess? Yes, and no.
Straight Up: Baltimore
Against the Spread: Baltimore
The Match-up: Buffalo (-1.0) @ Detroit
The Skinny: Based on Buffalo’s performance a week ago in Chicago, I almost took the Lions. But then I realized...they’re the Lions.
Straight Up: Buffalo
Against the Spread: Buffalo
The Match-up: Seattle (-3.0) @ St. Louis
The Skinny: People might be writing off the Seahawks with Shaun Alexander on the shelf. But they’ve still got Matt Hasselbeck, a bevy of talented receivers, and an above average defense. Loosely translated, Seattle should get by St. Louis.
Straight Up: Seattle
Against the Spread: Seattle
The Match-up: Philadelphia (-3.0) @ New Orleans
The Skinny: Tall order for the Eagles in the Big Easy this week. In Andy Reid’s tenure, the Eagles are 11-4 against the Cowboys and 8-6 the following week. And the atmosphere for Saints home games is outstanding. Still, the Eagles will make a big statement on Sunday.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: Miami (+2.5) @ New York Jets
The Skinny: They call this the "Squish the Fish" game in New York, and I think that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
Straight Up: New York Jets
Against the Spread: New York Jets
The Match-up: Kansas City (+7.0) @ Pittsburgh
The Skinny: Bizarre sequence for Kansas City - lose your starting quarterback, rally around Damon Huard (can’t believe I just wrote that), get fat on the NFC West (wins over San Francisco 41-0 and Arizona 23-20), seven point underdog to 1-3 Pittsburgh at Heinz Field. Sounds about right.
Straight Up: Pittsburgh
Against the Spread: Pittsburgh
The Match-up: San Diego (-10.0) @ San Francisco
The Skinny: Turns out this Philip Rivers kid isn’t too bad. Good things seem to happen when Marty Schottenheimer lets him throw the ball.
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
The Match-up: Oakland (+15.0) @ Denver
The Skinny: I’ve got a funny feeling about this game. Not a feeling like the Raiders will steal a win or anything, but I could see them keeping it close, too close for Denver’s liking.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Oakland
Monday, October 16th 2006
The Match-up: Chicago (-10.5) @ Arizona
The Skinny: Another week, another cupcake for the Bears. You want an impressive stat? In four of their five games, the Bears have outscored their opposition by 117 points (137-20), an average margin of victory of better than 29 points per game. Wow.
Straight Up: Chicago
Against the Spread: Chicago
Bye Week: Cleveland, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Minnesota, New England
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Eagles 38, TOFU 0
Could it really have gone any other way? Terrell Owens marches back into The Linc for the first time as a Cowboy, and marches out with his tail tucked between his legs. Here are some TOFU-related thoughts I had will soaking in the most satisfying regular-season win in recent memory.
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First and foremost, I would be remiss if I didn't say...Ha Ha Ha!
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Before the game, TOFU was huddled with his teammates and said something to the effect of, "it's not me against them, it's us against them." Nice sentiment, which only makes his post-game comment even more appropriate - at least for TOFU:
"You watched the game. Who's pulling the trigger? I'm just out there doing my job. I'm not trying to point fingers at anybody, but you guys know just as well as I know. We win as a team, we lose as a team."
Talk out of both sides of your mouth much? It's like he started to go TOFU, but Psrcells zapped him through a shock collar and he went to the "all about the team" comment. Hysterical. This guy is only about one team, and that's team TOFU.
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For the record, this game wasn't about TOFU vs. Donovan McNabb, or TOFU vs. the Eagles, or even the Cowboys vs. the Eagles. It was basically TOFU vs. the city of Philadelphia, and you had to love Philly's odds in that mismatch.
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During training camp, when TOFU wasn't riding the bike due to his "tweaked hamstring," he said he lifted weights in reps of 10 and 8, or 10/8, the date the Cowboys played in Philly? Well, now on October 10th, I have TOFU's new workour regimen, and it calls for reps of 7-4-3-2-0-0. 7 for the seven sacks of TOFU's new quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, 4 for the number of Cowboys turnovers in said game, 3 for the number of balls hauled in by TOFU, 2 for the number of balls dropped by TOFU, 0 for the number of touchdowns scored by TOFU, and 0 for the impact he had on this game.
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Here's what the label on TOFU's latest refill of pain pills reads:
Clinic: Dallas OB/GYN
Patient: Owens, T.
Doctor: Jones, J.
Prescription: Yousuckitol, 500 mg
Dosage: Take as many pills as you can cram in your pie hole for pain caused by 14 point beat-down in Philadelphia; Increase dosage as necessary upon realization that Drew Blewsoe is your quarterback.
Side Effects: May include disappearing during big games against former team and dropped passes (in other words, you'll appear exactly as you did on Sunday).
Warnings: Feel free to mix with as many supplements as possible. No, seriously, take a few more.
In case of "Accidental Overdose:" Allow skeezer publicist to refrain from calling 911, let nature take its course.
Refill Date: December 26, 2006
Number of Refills: As many as required
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I'm sure TOFU isn't really upset about losing the game. After all, he's got 25 million reasons to be happy, right Kim? Whatever keeps you from going back to your old job of swinging on the brass pole.
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Finally, some TOFU Haiku for you...
How 'bout that, TOFU.
McNabb to Brown and Baskett.
Ha Ha Ha, You suck.
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First and foremost, I would be remiss if I didn't say...Ha Ha Ha!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Before the game, TOFU was huddled with his teammates and said something to the effect of, "it's not me against them, it's us against them." Nice sentiment, which only makes his post-game comment even more appropriate - at least for TOFU:
"You watched the game. Who's pulling the trigger? I'm just out there doing my job. I'm not trying to point fingers at anybody, but you guys know just as well as I know. We win as a team, we lose as a team."
Talk out of both sides of your mouth much? It's like he started to go TOFU, but Psrcells zapped him through a shock collar and he went to the "all about the team" comment. Hysterical. This guy is only about one team, and that's team TOFU.
------------------------------------------------------------------
For the record, this game wasn't about TOFU vs. Donovan McNabb, or TOFU vs. the Eagles, or even the Cowboys vs. the Eagles. It was basically TOFU vs. the city of Philadelphia, and you had to love Philly's odds in that mismatch.
------------------------------------------------------------------
During training camp, when TOFU wasn't riding the bike due to his "tweaked hamstring," he said he lifted weights in reps of 10 and 8, or 10/8, the date the Cowboys played in Philly? Well, now on October 10th, I have TOFU's new workour regimen, and it calls for reps of 7-4-3-2-0-0. 7 for the seven sacks of TOFU's new quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, 4 for the number of Cowboys turnovers in said game, 3 for the number of balls hauled in by TOFU, 2 for the number of balls dropped by TOFU, 0 for the number of touchdowns scored by TOFU, and 0 for the impact he had on this game.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's what the label on TOFU's latest refill of pain pills reads:
Clinic: Dallas OB/GYN
Patient: Owens, T.
Doctor: Jones, J.
Prescription: Yousuckitol, 500 mg
Dosage: Take as many pills as you can cram in your pie hole for pain caused by 14 point beat-down in Philadelphia; Increase dosage as necessary upon realization that Drew Blewsoe is your quarterback.
Side Effects: May include disappearing during big games against former team and dropped passes (in other words, you'll appear exactly as you did on Sunday).
Warnings: Feel free to mix with as many supplements as possible. No, seriously, take a few more.
In case of "Accidental Overdose:" Allow skeezer publicist to refrain from calling 911, let nature take its course.
Refill Date: December 26, 2006
Number of Refills: As many as required
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I'm sure TOFU isn't really upset about losing the game. After all, he's got 25 million reasons to be happy, right Kim? Whatever keeps you from going back to your old job of swinging on the brass pole.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, some TOFU Haiku for you...
How 'bout that, TOFU.
McNabb to Brown and Baskett.
Ha Ha Ha, You suck.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
The Week 5 Picks
Let’s see…there’s playoff baseball on TV (not featuring the Phillies, unfortunately), and as I write I’m watching the Flyers-Penguins opening night game on the NHL Center Ice package on my digital cable (3-0 Pens right now, and the Flyers are making Mark Andre Fleury look like the second coming of Patrick Roy). That means it must be October.
So why does it feel like Christmas?
Oh yeah, maybe it’s because TOFU comes back to Philly for the first time as a stinkin’ Cowboy, and you’d better believe Eagles fans will be ready. In fact, it started Monday night against Green Bay, as witnessed by a couple of signs seen in the stands:
"T.O., Get Well Soon, So We Can Hurt You."
"Get a Refill. You’re Going to Need Those Pills Soon."
"Next, Time, Make Sure to Get Your Whole Head in Front of the Shotgun." (OK, I made that one up).
There were even unconfirmed rumors of an "O.D." chant.
I can only imagine what’s coming this week, especially with a 4:15 start, meaning an extra three hours of tailgate time, which translates to loosely 180,000 additional beers to be imbibed.
Memo to TOFU – put your helmet on before you get off the bus, and leave it on until you’re on a plane back to Dallas. You’ve been warned.
One more TOFU point - Speaking to the press this week, Donovan McNabb sad he text messaged TOFU after his failed suicide (oops, my bad, I mean accidental overdose) to wish him well and offered an ear if he needed to talk. TOFU defiantly claims he didn’t receive the message. Who do you believe, a guy who has been nothing but class since he entered the league, or the guy who has been a cancer everywhere he’s been? Me too.
By the way, if you get a chance, check out Michael Smith’s article on espn.com about McNabb. It’s an outstanding piece written by a very good journalist that not a lot of people give credit to.
Last Week’s records: 8-6 straight up (38-22 overall), 7-6-1 against the spread (29-28-3).
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
The Match-up: Miami (+9.5) @ New England
The Skinny: So, are the Patriots officially back, or were the Bengals simply overrated. Speaking of overrated, the Daunte Culpepper and the Dolphins will be in Foxboro this week.
Straight Up: New England
Against the Spread: New England
The Match-up: Tampa Bay (+6.5) @ New Orleans
The Skinny: It’s the start of the Bruce Gradkowski era in Tampa, which means the Saints will see a healthy does of Cadillac Williams. I think the Bucs will be able to keep it close, but nobody beats the Saints in New Orleans.
Straight Up: New Orleans
Against the Spread: Tampa Bay
The Match-up: Washington (+4.5) @ New York Giants
The Skinny: The Giants have looked rather ordinary through their first three games, albeit against quality opponents Indianapolis, Philly, and Seattle. In reality, the G-Men are lucky they're not 0-3 right now. Even at 1-2, my gut tells me the Giants at home are the play over the resurgent Redskins.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
The Match-up: Buffalo (+10.0) @ Chicago
The Skinny: The line for this game opened at 11 points and dropped to ten by Wednesday, meaning a lot of people were ramping up on the Bills and the points. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me.
Straight Up: Chicago
Against the Spread: Buffalo
The Match-up: St. Louis (-3.0) @ Green Bay
The Skinny: Who had a worse week then Ahmed Carroll? Reggie Brown and Greg Lewis abused the Packers’ former first round pick on Monday, then he got cut by Green Bay on Tuesday. Ouch.
Straight Up: St. Louis
Against the Spread: St. Louis
The Match-up: Cleveland (+8.0) @ Carolina
The Skinny: The Panthers are back in the thick of the NFC, evening their record at 2-2 with last week’s squeaker over the Saints. Another tight game for Carolina at home. This just in – Steve Smith is pretty good.
Straight Up: Carolina
Against the Spread: Cleveland
The Match-up: Tennessee (+18.0) @ Indianapolis
The Skinny: I thought this was a misprint at first. Eighteen points? That’s crazy. Basically it means Indy is a very good team, and Tennessee basically sucks. Still, I can’t justify leaving that many points on the board.
Straight Up: Indianapolis
Against the Spread: Tennessee
The Match-up: Detroit (+6.5) @ Minnesota
The Skinny: Congratulations to the Lions for finally scoring in double-digits. Too bad their defense got pasted for 41 points by the Rams.
Straight Up: Minnesota
Against the Spread: Minnesota
The Match-up: Kansas City (-3.5) @ Arizona
The Skinny: I can’t believe Kansas City is as good as they looked last week. I also can’t believe it took Dennis Green this long to hand the car keys to Matt Leinart, who’s got "superstar" written all over him.
Straight Up: Arizona
Against the Spread: Arizona
The Match-up: Oakland (+3.5) @ San Francisco
The Skinny: While this might be a pretty good baseball game, it’s shaping up to be an awful, awful football game.
Straight Up: San Francisco
Against the Spread: San Francisco
The Match-up: New York Jets (+7.0) @ Jacksonville
The Skinny: Remember a couple of weeks ago when some people were labeling Jacksonville as the favorite to emerge from the AFC? Since then, they’re 0-2 and they just allowed Mark Brunell to hang 36 points on them. I still don’t think they’re as bad as they looked in Washington.
Straight Up: Jacksonville
Against the Spread: Jacksonville
The Match-up: Dallas (+2.0) @ Philadelphia
The Skinny: Bottom line – if the Eagles beat Dallas, I don’t care how many yards TOFU gains. But if they hold his sorry ass to 2 catches for 26 yards but the Eagles lose? Nobody’s happy. With any luck, TOFU will go across the middle and Dawk will literally take his head off. Then the Birds will finish off the rest of those sorry bastards.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: Pittsburgh (+3.5) @ San Diego
The Skinny: The term "Marty-ball" has been thrown around a lot this week, and if you’re not familiar with the concept, it’s basically when a coach calls plays not with the intent to win, but rather trying to avoid the loss. Invariably, the scheme backfires. No more "Marty-ball" from the Chargers, who should have beaten Baltimore.
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
Monday, October 9th, 2006
The Match-up: Baltimore (Off) @ Denver
The Skinny: To be honest, I’m not sure why this game is off the board. I know I picked Baltimore to be pretty good this year, and their 4-0 record has me looking pretty smart. But they’ve needed last-second heroics in consecutive weeks, and you can’t bank on Steve McNair to keep making plays the way he has.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Denver
Bye Week: Atlanta, Cincinnati, Houston, Seattle
So why does it feel like Christmas?
Oh yeah, maybe it’s because TOFU comes back to Philly for the first time as a stinkin’ Cowboy, and you’d better believe Eagles fans will be ready. In fact, it started Monday night against Green Bay, as witnessed by a couple of signs seen in the stands:
"T.O., Get Well Soon, So We Can Hurt You."
"Get a Refill. You’re Going to Need Those Pills Soon."
"Next, Time, Make Sure to Get Your Whole Head in Front of the Shotgun." (OK, I made that one up).
There were even unconfirmed rumors of an "O.D." chant.
I can only imagine what’s coming this week, especially with a 4:15 start, meaning an extra three hours of tailgate time, which translates to loosely 180,000 additional beers to be imbibed.
Memo to TOFU – put your helmet on before you get off the bus, and leave it on until you’re on a plane back to Dallas. You’ve been warned.
One more TOFU point - Speaking to the press this week, Donovan McNabb sad he text messaged TOFU after his failed suicide (oops, my bad, I mean accidental overdose) to wish him well and offered an ear if he needed to talk. TOFU defiantly claims he didn’t receive the message. Who do you believe, a guy who has been nothing but class since he entered the league, or the guy who has been a cancer everywhere he’s been? Me too.
By the way, if you get a chance, check out Michael Smith’s article on espn.com about McNabb. It’s an outstanding piece written by a very good journalist that not a lot of people give credit to.
Last Week’s records: 8-6 straight up (38-22 overall), 7-6-1 against the spread (29-28-3).
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
The Match-up: Miami (+9.5) @ New England
The Skinny: So, are the Patriots officially back, or were the Bengals simply overrated. Speaking of overrated, the Daunte Culpepper and the Dolphins will be in Foxboro this week.
Straight Up: New England
Against the Spread: New England
The Match-up: Tampa Bay (+6.5) @ New Orleans
The Skinny: It’s the start of the Bruce Gradkowski era in Tampa, which means the Saints will see a healthy does of Cadillac Williams. I think the Bucs will be able to keep it close, but nobody beats the Saints in New Orleans.
Straight Up: New Orleans
Against the Spread: Tampa Bay
The Match-up: Washington (+4.5) @ New York Giants
The Skinny: The Giants have looked rather ordinary through their first three games, albeit against quality opponents Indianapolis, Philly, and Seattle. In reality, the G-Men are lucky they're not 0-3 right now. Even at 1-2, my gut tells me the Giants at home are the play over the resurgent Redskins.
Straight Up: New York Giants
Against the Spread: New York Giants
The Match-up: Buffalo (+10.0) @ Chicago
The Skinny: The line for this game opened at 11 points and dropped to ten by Wednesday, meaning a lot of people were ramping up on the Bills and the points. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me.
Straight Up: Chicago
Against the Spread: Buffalo
The Match-up: St. Louis (-3.0) @ Green Bay
The Skinny: Who had a worse week then Ahmed Carroll? Reggie Brown and Greg Lewis abused the Packers’ former first round pick on Monday, then he got cut by Green Bay on Tuesday. Ouch.
Straight Up: St. Louis
Against the Spread: St. Louis
The Match-up: Cleveland (+8.0) @ Carolina
The Skinny: The Panthers are back in the thick of the NFC, evening their record at 2-2 with last week’s squeaker over the Saints. Another tight game for Carolina at home. This just in – Steve Smith is pretty good.
Straight Up: Carolina
Against the Spread: Cleveland
The Match-up: Tennessee (+18.0) @ Indianapolis
The Skinny: I thought this was a misprint at first. Eighteen points? That’s crazy. Basically it means Indy is a very good team, and Tennessee basically sucks. Still, I can’t justify leaving that many points on the board.
Straight Up: Indianapolis
Against the Spread: Tennessee
The Match-up: Detroit (+6.5) @ Minnesota
The Skinny: Congratulations to the Lions for finally scoring in double-digits. Too bad their defense got pasted for 41 points by the Rams.
Straight Up: Minnesota
Against the Spread: Minnesota
The Match-up: Kansas City (-3.5) @ Arizona
The Skinny: I can’t believe Kansas City is as good as they looked last week. I also can’t believe it took Dennis Green this long to hand the car keys to Matt Leinart, who’s got "superstar" written all over him.
Straight Up: Arizona
Against the Spread: Arizona
The Match-up: Oakland (+3.5) @ San Francisco
The Skinny: While this might be a pretty good baseball game, it’s shaping up to be an awful, awful football game.
Straight Up: San Francisco
Against the Spread: San Francisco
The Match-up: New York Jets (+7.0) @ Jacksonville
The Skinny: Remember a couple of weeks ago when some people were labeling Jacksonville as the favorite to emerge from the AFC? Since then, they’re 0-2 and they just allowed Mark Brunell to hang 36 points on them. I still don’t think they’re as bad as they looked in Washington.
Straight Up: Jacksonville
Against the Spread: Jacksonville
The Match-up: Dallas (+2.0) @ Philadelphia
The Skinny: Bottom line – if the Eagles beat Dallas, I don’t care how many yards TOFU gains. But if they hold his sorry ass to 2 catches for 26 yards but the Eagles lose? Nobody’s happy. With any luck, TOFU will go across the middle and Dawk will literally take his head off. Then the Birds will finish off the rest of those sorry bastards.
Straight Up: Philadelphia
Against the Spread: Philadelphia
The Match-up: Pittsburgh (+3.5) @ San Diego
The Skinny: The term "Marty-ball" has been thrown around a lot this week, and if you’re not familiar with the concept, it’s basically when a coach calls plays not with the intent to win, but rather trying to avoid the loss. Invariably, the scheme backfires. No more "Marty-ball" from the Chargers, who should have beaten Baltimore.
Straight Up: San Diego
Against the Spread: San Diego
Monday, October 9th, 2006
The Match-up: Baltimore (Off) @ Denver
The Skinny: To be honest, I’m not sure why this game is off the board. I know I picked Baltimore to be pretty good this year, and their 4-0 record has me looking pretty smart. But they’ve needed last-second heroics in consecutive weeks, and you can’t bank on Steve McNair to keep making plays the way he has.
Straight Up: Denver
Against the Spread: Denver
Bye Week: Atlanta, Cincinnati, Houston, Seattle
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